spending money is an emotional affair

The last one of three posts I composed for my apartmenttherapy.com application. I wrote this shortly before Thanksgiving, hence the Black Friday reference at the end.

I once had an unemployed boyfriend (ok, more than once - I don’t know why I attract this kind of guy) who asked me why I was so generous with buying lattes or lunch and so stingy about “loosie money” (cash for loose cigarettes sold in bodegas (and one more explanation for non-New Yorkers: bodegas are small convenience stores)). I thought about that for a bit and came to the conclusion that how I feel about spending money on a particular thing is linked to my emotions toward said thing. This I can track back all the way to my early twenties when I had plenty of roommates or friends who constantly borrowed cash from me, even though, I myself could barely make my bills then. In fact, at one point, I was mopping the building stairs to get a discount on my rent from the owner who also lived on the first floor. But, back then, I couldn’t say no to anyone. I was so generous that I was taken advantage of. One neighbor/friend even went so far as to carry this bad habit on to my possessions. She kept borrowing and never returning household items such as lotions, shampoo, our fan, and, of course, food. Not to mention the emergency cash she asked for to help pay her rent. Meanwhile, she apparently had money to do her hair and nails every week. Something didn’t compute. Today, I would say - she was seriously broke but spending on her beauty made her feel good so it seemed like an acceptable expense. I have seen this behavior in other friends always complaining about money. Apparently, they can’t make rent or bills, but somehow they still always find the cash to buy take-out food, electronic devices, or do their hair and nails. Maybe they just don’t see this discrepancy or they are just bad with money. 

I learned my lesson early. When I was a teenager without any credit cards at my disposal, yet, I watched how older friends of mine completely and utterly drowned themselves in debt and then struggled with the consequences. I learned a priori, so-to-say and I have never indebted myself ever, except when I signed up for a mortgage to buy my apartment in my mid-twenties. I actually never wanted an apartment or house of my own because I thought it would tie me down and hamper my freedom to travel the world for months at a time but a) having kids changes your priorities and b) the American Dream has infiltrated my mind.

I stopped giving money to everyone when I realized that they earned exactly the same (and, some, even more) than I did. I still lend (from my savings) to selected friends who I don’t have to remind to pay back but I’ve scaled it down. And, now, that I have quit my job it will probably soon be me who is borrowing money. It will be a whole new world! And, it’s most likely going to drive me crazy. I can’t stand being in someone’s debt, so I’ll probably end up homeless before I ask anyone for cash. Except for my grandmother, but, I hesitate because I feel like, as an adult, I really shouldn’t be asking my elders for financial support, although, they have certainly helped in the past … i.e. while I was already qualifying as _adult_.

I still find myself in this situation of emotional spending, just as probably all of my friends. Last week, for example, I did not want to spend the extra seven dollars to get on the ice with my children at the skating rink but today I was considering spending $15 (!) on a salsa class. That’s just not permissible but if I weren’t so aware about this topic at the moment (having no income and all), I would probably spend it without thinking twice because I justify it as “personal enrichment” aka “therapy” and as such it qualifies as a health care expense and, well, that is just a necessary evil just like grocery shopping or the utility bill.

And apropos evil spending, can somebody please explain Black Friday to me? I understand, people get discounts but they are still spending loads of money, they probably wouldn’t be spending if they weren’t lured in by the sales. Ok, I’m making assumptions. Anyway, I can’t relate to the willingness to stand in line for hours or camp out in front of a store just to be the first to shop. Maybe it’s because I am not a big fan of shopping. And now, that I have seen the youTube footage of shoppers getting into fist, knife, taser, and gun fights with each other - over merchandise that they have to _buy_ (!) for Pete’s sake - I am certainly going to make sure I stay away from big stores on all the major shopping holidays. I suppose, these sad incidents are just proving my point: Spending money is an emotional affair.